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The program for the prestigious venue in Washington D.C. features a lighthearted bilingual show and an improvised Shakespeare troupe. Conspicuously absent from the advertised schedule is the upcoming global football draw, likely because it is a exclusively closed-door affair. Planners seem intent on prevent any unwanted attendees from darkening the doorstep at what threatens to be an drawn-out, self-aggrandizing procession where well-paid celebrities will undoubtedly repeat the well-worn cliche that "football unites the world."

A Celebrity-Filled Hosting Team

The lavish event is scheduled to be emceed by television personality Heidi Klum alongside small-statured American standup comedian and actor Kevin Hart. Adding to the star power will be gridiron icon Eli Manning on welcoming duty and actor Danny Ramirez as a roving correspondent. Together, they will preside over a ceremony that will certainly have British football fans of a certain age yearning for the halcyon, pomp-free days of Graham Taylor, Sir Bert Millichip, the FA tombola and a reliable velvet bag of wooden, lottery balls.

Scheduled to last almost three torturous hours, the show will feature a seemingly endless agenda of speechifying, overly sentimental video montages, scripted jokes, celebrity guests, performances from artists with either no embarrassment or enormous tax bills, and then... finally, the real World Cup draw.

Athletic Greats on Ceremony Duty

Included in those helping to carrying out the draw? NBA legend Shaquille O'Neal, ice hockey great Wayne Gretzky, football quarterback legend Tom Brady and MLB slugger Aaron Judge, all selecting numbered spheres under the supervision of former defender Rio Ferdinand. Considering the considerable, deep well of charisma possessed by these veteran sporting legends, short of an uniformed security team crashing the event, it's difficult to imagine what could possibly go wrong.

Actually, not much, if the tone-deaf defence of FIFA's widely reported World Cup ticket price-gouging mounted by an overly deferential English yes-man is any sort of gauge. When asked if tickets should be more affordable for non-millionaires, the response was vague. "In my view we have to be conscious of that and I think FIFA are certainly people that are aware of that," was the comment. "But listen, I think we can look at every sector, every sector, we could have that discussion about things," it was noted. The implication seemed to be that high prices are acceptable when contrasted with other high-end goods.

The Main Event

With over forty teams already secured a place for next year's jamboree and six more set to qualify, there will be a real air of giddiness once the preliminaries conclude and the main draw gets under way. While fans across the globe wait with great anticipation to see which three teams their own country will face in the group stages, the anticipation will be nothing compared to that which comes before the announcement of the recipient of FIFA's inaugural award for peace for "individuals who help bring together people in peace through unwavering dedication and notable deeds." Considering the draw is in Washington and the World Cup is primarily in the United States, speculation about the winner are ripe, even if the hints are apparent.

"I have no worries at the moment. I was speaking to the chairman today. My relationship with him is very strong really. I have a truly open, honest and realistic relationship. So regarding my position in that sense I have completely no concerns whatsoever" – comments from a coach with a team in the midst of a five-match losing streak, offering a textbook remark likely to be revisited should a dismissal occur down the line.

Readers' Letters

• "Further to the discussion of a possible club named Kevin... there is an exciting Brazilian winger named Kevin at Fulham who cost north of £30m. Perhaps Kevin could be asked to purchase a Highland League club and rename it after himself."
• "Going to football games in the 80s/90s, when the answer was 'Keith', a common jest was: 'What, on his own?'"
• "I stopped reading after nine words. 'Comprised of'! What was the thought process? To comprise means to consist of. So to comprise of means to consist of of. The extra 'of' is as redundant as an additional referee."
• "Concern is growing ahead of FIFA's Global Tombola: just what memorable tune will certain performers come up with if a certain individual remains on the stage, thereby necessitating an encore?"